Disclaimer & Forewarning: This article contains profanity and potentially offensive terminology. Parts of this are supposed to be funny, however there will always be one or two people who are offended. This part is where I tell you 'I don't care'.
Let me start by saying that there are plenty of female geeks out there. It's just that they don't always gather together in large numbers on IRC or forum board communities. They have other ways of doing things, or they just don't bother. They geek out in their own way. Anyone can tell you that geek communities consist primarily of males. It's just the way it is. These communities can span from pre-teens to retired gentlemen and everyone in between; this in and of itself is fabulous because you have the benefit of young and fertile minds and experience, age and wisdom. Both sets of people can learn a thing or two from one another.
The older generations have the benefit of socialisation skills. Chances are, they've lived a good chunk of their lives without the Internet, and perhaps part of it without access to a computer. This means (shock and horror!) that they've actually had a chance to mingle with people and learn social skills, manners and etiquette. This is to their advantage.
The younger generations, however, are not so fortunate, depending on when they first got their hands on a computer. Once you're hooked, that's it. So, they don't go out and do stuff with their friends. In fact, some of them might just dump them all together in favour of online gaming, geeking out and communicating online with people as opposed to in the flesh. This includes females. That being said, we have the first hurdle.
Picture this: you're a fifteen-year-old male geek. Stereotypically, you'd be sitting at your computer, unwashed and unkempt, surfing for porn and warez. To be fair, we know this isn't always the case; sometimes some of you actually WASH YOUR HAIR. It would be grossly unfair of me to tar you all with the same brush, especially if some of you actually DO wash your hair...and maybe remember to brush your teeth in a while, and eat something other than pizza. And boys? There are other drinks out there aside from Coke. Really. And no, you really can't have a caffeine IV no matter how many times you apply for one. Your case isn't special.
But I digress.
You're sitting there scratching your nuts, encased in week-old boxer shorts whilst looking at whichever celebrity chick is hottest at the time. If you touch the screen, you can dream about what it's like to actually TOUCH a girl. For some of you, that's pretty much all you're ever going to get because unless you kick yourself into gear, you'll spend the rest of your life just sitting there.
Ask yourself: just how many times have you watched Fantastic Four just to see Jessica Alba in that tight suit? You know, the one where it looks like she was poured into it. You've never seen it? Oh come on, we know you have really.
Now, you might be wondering why I sound cynical and just a little agitated; there is reason for this. As a female, I can either be honest about my gender or I can pretend to be male. Unfortunately I'd probably slip up and people may either think I'm some kind of fake freak or a "huge gaylord". Actually, the latter isn't likely to happen because I'm not a girly girl. I hate pink. I don't own millions of pairs of shoes. I don't get excited when someone starts talking about accessories and matching underwear. I wear huge stompy boots. My wardrobe is mostly black - and I really, really don't care who's the hottest celebrity is. I don't care how much weight I'd have to lose by starving myself to emaciation just to look like I fell out of Hollywood, and I won't burst into tears and run five miles just because I ate a bar of chocolate. No. I'll eat that chocolate bar and LOVE it. I'll sit there and rub it in the face of some clueless girly idiot who thinks just being within a mile of it going to turn her into the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. And guess what? I'll enjoy it.
Sorry, went off on a tangent there. I was about to talk about why I might sound a little agitated. Well here it is:
The moment, the very split second that a room full of geek boys discovers there's a female in their midst is like someone cut the antique crystal chandelier from the ceiling and it came crashing down right in the middle of their equally antique and shiny table. Now, the older generations aren't like this so much - they tend to be very welcoming and polite to the fairer sex. In fact some of them will even defend the honour of the female of the species by telling the boys to pipe down and get a grip. It's all very chivalrous.
But what looms over a female head is this:
<geekboy> ooo u r a girl? hehe. hav u got a pic?
<female> Yes I do.
<geekboy> can i see it pls?
Now, chances are these boys never ask each other for photos. But when there's a female in the room it's a whole different ballgame - suddenly they want to see if she's hot. But ultimately it's because they don't believe she's really female - a lot of guys are just there winding each other up, and an actual female geek who sticks around amongst the boys is a rarity. There ARE females about, but not in the same volume as boys. It just doesn't happen. Why doesn't it happen? This is why:
<female> I don't think I'm going to show you my photo when I've been in the channel for all of two minutes.
<geekboy> i dont believe ur a girl. show me a pic pls and i might beleive u.
<female> Right ok, tell me - are you gay?
<geekboy> wat? NO! i aint no homo! fuck u
<female> I don't believe you're not gay. Show me a picture where you're not looking like a gaylord and I might believe you.
<geekboy> fuck u i bet ur a homo. i bet ur fat and fugly.
<female> No, I'm female but because I won't show you a picture I must be lying, and I couldn't possibly be easy on the eyes.
(Author's note: Quite a few people here know what I look like, after spending some time here and getting to know people I was happy to upload a photo into the gallery repository, and also share other photos. I even 'proved' myself by holding a little piece of paper up with my CA username on it. I didn't HAVE to do that, but it shut some of the naysayers up.)
At this point the female will either go away never to return because of that reaction, or if she is made of sterner stuff, she'll stick around. You take the good with the bad, and there are some absolutely FABULOUS geekboys and geekmen out there. Honestly, I am truly blessed with the friends I've found during my time braving the wilds of the geek. So it is by no means a terrible place to be. But oh dear Gods, sometimes it can be simply horrendous.
Sometimes, it's so gut-wrenchingly embarrassing to see how some of them communicate that it's painful to watch. So lets move a step further and see what happens when a totally unsocialised geekboy sees a photo of a female who isn't too hard on the eyes:
<geekboy1> wow. ur hot. hav u got a boyfreind?
<female> *inwardly groaning*
<geekboy2> oh yeh shes hawt. hey sweetiepie!
<female> yeah, hi. -_-
<geekboy2> im goin out this weeked cruisin for chix maybe ill get sum.
<female> Yeah, good luck with that.
<geekboy1> hurhurhur yeh id liek to stick 1 in u baby
<geekboy2> lawl and theres rohipnul or hoever u speel it if she wont play ball
<female> *stunned silence*
<geekboy1> so hav u got msn or aim? what about cam?
[moments later...]
*DING* a PM window opens....
<geekboy3> hiiii. i didnt say hai in teh room but i think ur hot, wanna cyber?i hav a photo of my...[use your imagination, dear readers...]
As a female you really have to get used to this - there really is no getting away from it. It's the way of the world. People gawp at females on the street and make lewd remarks so why wouldn't it happen online too? Of course it's going to happen! Unfortunately sometimes it can turn nasty:
<geekboy4> fuck u bitch. u wont anser my pms i bet ur homo.
<geekboy4> i bet ur fuglee and fat.
<geekboy4> im gonna hack ur computr and put ur pic on a whorsite.
<geekboy4> fuck u fuck u fuck u fuck u fuck u cunt
<geekboy4> WHY WONT U ANSER ME U WHORE...
<geekboy4> i bet u fuck ur dog
You get the picture. I'm really not kidding. And for those of you who say it's not that bad, it really is. Try being on the receiving end of it day in and day out. Fortunately, I have a very thick skin and a sense of humour. You have to expect this sort of thing in a predominantly male environment. Not having it happen would be like trying to find intelligent conversation on a server full of pre-teen girls all talking about their favourite member of whichever boy band is the new thing; it just doesn't exist. Perhaps the only instance where it doesn't is when an annoyed and educated male geek starts his own server, and invites people of high integrity and manners over to participate. Those servers tend to be smaller in number and population.
But as I said before, the good comes with the bad. You can tell some of the younger males have got parents who care enough to properly educate them with manners and courtesy. You just know these little gems are going to grow up into absolutely wonderful guys who'll never treat a female with anything less than the respect she deserves. So put some of these into a channel with the idiots and this is what you get:
<geekboy1> whay wont u anser my pm?
<female> You keep asking me to cyber and it's pissing me off. I'm about to put you on ignore.
<educatedgeek> You're acting like a moron <insertnamehere> stop it.
<geekboy1> stfu u homo. ur lame
<educatedgeek> When are you going to realise that girls don't like to be objectified?
<geekboy1> lulwhut? stop usin big words to make urself look gud u lameass
<educatedgeek> Never mind.
<geekboy1> U R A FUCKIN HOMO. I BET UR DICK IS 1 INHC!
*eldergeek sets +b *!pen0r*@*
Now if I'm honest, sometimes I sit here laughing because of the utter horror that is CAIRC when boys like that are active. I'm a good sport, I can take a joke - laugh along with the rest of them and take the sexual innuendo that goes with the territory. Sometimes I may well interject with some of my own just to shut some people up. I'm more than capable of handling myself. It's why I have so much material to submit to CABASH, and it just keeps on coming.
There is seemingly no shame. These boys will sit in main channel in front of everyone and talk about what's wrong with their penis, or what they shoved up their arses last week in a voyage of sexual discovery. You have to wonder if the Internet has taken away ALL inhibition and common sense from these boys. It's not as if you'd sit there in class at school and turn around to a room full of people and announce that you got a pencil stuck down the end of your penis because you wondered what it felt like. Or perhaps you would, knowing full well you'd get the crap kicked out of you in the toilets at lunchtime - and like it. The Internet provides a smorgasboard of opportunities for all kinds of people - including the young and antisocial teenage boy.
For those of you who are offended, ask yourself this:
Why is she able to write that in the first place?
I'm able to write it because there is an endless supply of material. An undeniable, endless supply of material.
Sadly, it's a vicious circle. There is an abundance of horny young netgeeks out there with no hope of satisfying their urges unless they change the way they approach females when they appear. As time goes by, their frustrations mount and then they end up like this:
*overlyfrustratedgeek enters #cyberarmy
<overlyfrustratedgeek>FUCK
<overlyfrustratedgeek>I
<overlyfrustratedgeek>ALMO
<overlyfrustratedgeek>ST
<overlyfrustratedgeek>GO
<overlyfrustratedgeek>*T
<overlyfrustratedgeek>A PEICE
<overlyfrustratedgeek>OF
<overlyfrustratedgeek>HAWTASS
<overlyfrustratedgeek>BUTSHE
<overlyfrustratedgeek>WAS UPST WHEN
<overlyfrustratedgeek>I BLEW CHNUKS
<overlyfrustratedgeek>ON HER
What's that? It's a FERAL geek. It's been left too long to fend for itself out in the wilds and the poor thing has lost all sense and sensibility. It's not definite whether they had either in the first place, but who are we to know? Feral geeks require intense rehabilitation before they can be released back into humane society as a functional human being. Unfortunately, there are no charitable foundations for these poor souls, so we must settle for mockery instead.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes this episode.
:pixel:
:Academy Publications:
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